Le Grand Saboteur: Your Reactive Mind

Issue 1 | 9

As a leadership and team coach, one of the biggest challenges I see leaders face is the ability to stay emotionally resilient in times of change.

I hear stories like this: “Oh for f*ck sake, I cannot handle my co-founder anymore!”, “Uff, the new hire is constantly triggering my boss. I’d rather stay out of this…”, “If we cannot do it perfectly, we’d better not do it at all.”

All of the above are different – yet there’s one commonality they all share. Welcome to your reactive mind at play.

The Window of Tolerance

The reactive mind is an ever-present human condition. For most people, it manifests as “reactive” behaviors—automatic and often predictable responses to any situation that challenges them for some reason.

David Siegel, author of the amazing book “Mindsight”, writes:

“In general, our windows of tolerance determine how comfortable we feel with specific memories, issues, emotions, and bodily sensations. Within our window of tolerance we remain receptive; outside of it we become reactive.”

Any situation outside of your personal window of tolerance brings you into a reactive mind. In these moments, you are triggered, and you might feel stressed, upset, or fearful.

In fact, any negative emotion, such as fear, frustration, or anger, usually characterizes this state.

Unmasking the reactive mind: 9 tendencies

Shirzad Chamine’s deep dive into the 9 reactive habits reveals the drama behind the scenes:

1. The Stickler: Chasing perfection and getting frustrated with your chill co-founder. Internal screams guaranteed!

2. The Pleaser: Spreading love and getting taken advantage of. Time to recalibrate that kindness meter.

3. The Hyper-Rational: Smart, sharp, and emotionally distant. Missing out on the team’s emotional playlist.

4. The Controller: Taking charge like a boss but scaring away your crew with your no-nonsense approach.

5. The Avoider: Easy-going? More like avoiding conflicts and saying yes to things you secretly despise.

6. The Victim: Feeling the feels and pulling a vanishing act when criticism hits. Classic move.

7. The Hyper-Achiever: Crushing goals but feeling that emptiness inside. Success might need a new definition.

8. The Restless: High energy and creativity, but oh, shiny object! Finishing projects is overrated.

9. The Hyper-Vigilant: Always on the lookout for risks, but drowning in chronic doubts. Chill vibes, anyone?

Self-sabotage, baby

It’s not the negative emotions that are problematic; it’s the unfiltered actions that follow. Blindly expressing anger, crucial decision-making under stress, or engaging in important conversations when frustrated are pitfalls of a reactive state.

The self-sabotage is subtle yet impactful. Consider perfectionism as a strength—it ensures quality and high standards. However, when overextended to all aspects of life, it becomes a limit. The reactive mind convinces you of the importance of perfectionism in every endeavor, even when it’s unnecessary.

In Robert Anderson’s words:

The over-extension of a strength becomes a weakness, and the Reactive Mind over-extends its strengths. When we are identified with a given strength, we use it a lot. We over-develop it and under-develop other strengths. Consequently, we tend to overuse that strength. Since that strength defines us, it feels natural to use that strength all the time, and it feels awkward, if not risky, to use other less developed strengths.

And that goes for all of the 9 tendencies explained above.

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A final note on your Reactive Mind

Understanding that anything beyond your window of tolerance triggers reactivity is key. The reactive mind, while natural, tends to overuse or abuse your strengths. Stay vigilant against the 9 reactive tendencies to preserve your effectiveness, impact, and influence as a leader.